Q How do I break up with my abuser?
Breaking up with an abusive partner can be very different from breaking up with someone who isn’t abusive. Because abusers believe that they are entitled to control you, they may not let you break up with them. If you’re considering breaking up with an abusive partner it’s important to talk it though with an adult you trust. You may want to fill out a safety plan to help you stay safe. You will need to be prepared for your abuser trying to ‘win you back’. Writing a list of all the reasons why you weren’t happy in the relationship may help you stay strong.
Click here to download a PDF factsheet.
Q How do I please a girl?
Every girl is different and is going to enjoy different things. Again, it comes back to communicating with your partner about what they enjoy and what they don’t by asking questions and being honest with each other. Foreplay is a very important part of getting each other ready for sex, so take your time exploring each other’s bodies and discovering what you do and don’t like. Remember too, that what you might have seen in porn is not a realistic picture of what girls or guys really enjoy.
Q Is it ok to look at porn?
This is a really personal decision and can be a very sensitive issue. People have very different feelings and opinions about porn. For a lot of young people, viewing porn is their first experience of sex so it is important to remember that porn can give people unrealistic ideas about sex, sexual acts, what women look like, what men look like and what people enjoy in sexual relationships. A lot of on- line porn involves acts of degradation and violence that do not reflect respectful behaviour in real life relationships.
Q What is slut shaming?
This is something that happens, pretty much, just to women. Slut Shaming is when women and girls are attacked, put down, gossiped about and laughed at for breaking the ‘supposed rules’ of being a female in this world. A girl or woman might be called nasty words for having consensual sex, she might be called the s-l-u-t word because there are rumours or people think that she is having sex or engaging in sexual activity. She might cop slut shaming for flirting with someone she likes, or for wearing a skirt or worst of all, for having non-consensual sex (that means a girl/ woman who is raped gets called a s-l-u-t/ w-h-o-r-e/ other-horrible-name).
Q Do girls really like being tied up and smacked around when they are having sex?
There are a lot of sexual acts that young people might think are normal and common because they tend to happen a lot in porn. However, porn doesn’t always give a realistic image of healthy relationships. Just like every sexual act, you must make sure that all parties are consenting to each new act. If at any stage one person feels uncomfortable or changes their mind it’s ok to stop. That’s why checking in and communicating with your partner throughout is important. It is also important for you and your partner to consider everyone’s personal safety (that’s physical and emotional too) in any sexual activity.
Q How long do you feel sad for after a break up?
Break ups can be very difficult, even if you were the one who broke it off, and you might feel really crap for a while. Some people cry a lot, some people don’t eat much, and some people want lots of time by themselves. Because each relationship and each person is different we will all feel sad for different lengths of time. It’s important after a break up to look after yourself. If you feel that things are getting worse or you are not coping it may be helpful to talk to someone such as a friend, your mum or dad, or a school counsellor.
Q How do I know if somebody likes me?
Because everybody is different, everybody will have different ways of behaving when they like someone. However, some of the more common things include looking at you a lot, finding ways to be near you, possibly showing off a bit when you’re around them. The only definite way to know is for you to ask them.
Q What is the best way to handle a situation if you don’t give consent and they continue?
If you have been sexually assaulted the most important thing to remember is that it’s not your fault. This is a really frightening situation to be in and can make you feel extremely disempowered. Because all of us are different and every situation is different we may react in different ways. It’s important to remember that if you haven’t given consent and the other person continues they have committed a sexual crime.
Usually when we are confronted by a threat, our survival instinct will kick in and there are several ways we might respond. We could either go into what is called a flight, fight or freeze mode. Whatever your instinctive reaction is it’s important to realise that you have done exactly what you needed to do in that moment to keep yourself safe and the only person at fault is the person that sexually assaulted you. If you have been sexually assaulted there is a number support options available check out our Sexual Assault page for more information.
Q Should people watch porn while having sex?
Everyone has different ways of getting excited and again, exploring your sexual desires is a natural and healthy thing. I guess the thing to be mindful of is that porn can create some very unrealistic expectations about sex, sexual acts, what women look like, what men look like and what people enjoy in sexual relationships. With all of this in mind, it’s really up to you and your partner to communicate with each other and decide if you are both happy to include this in your sexual relationship.
Q How do I break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend without being mean?
Breaking up is hard for all involved, whether you’re breaking up or being dumped. The most important thing is to be respectful, try to put yourself in their shoes (e.g. if you wouldn’t like to find out you're being dumped by a text message, then don’t do it that way). Try to make sure they are the first person to find out – one of the worst things is finding out through a friend or a Facebook update. Make sure you have time to talk in private (it can be rather upsetting/embarrassing to be dumped in front of other people) and sometimes it may help if you think about what you want to say and what you don’t need to say. Relationship break ups can be tough and sad for both involved so it’s important that you have some support.
Q How will I know if I have the right hole?
Obviously this is referencing heterosexual sex. Firstly, it’s ok for you to ask her to help. Have your partner guide you. This means that you also know she is comfortable. Also, our bodies are built so that when a couple is in what is called ‘missionary position’ (that is when the man is on top and the woman is on the bottom facing him) it is very difficult for the penis to penetrate the anus.
Q I hate being in the same class as my ex. What should I do?
Break ups can be hard, especially at school where it’s almost impossible to avoid the person. Remember that over time things will get easier but to help in the meantime you can sit with a friend away from your ex so you feel like you have some support in class. However if there are other issues present that make going to class unbearable such as gossip, name calling or abuse – it’s a good idea to ask for some help.
Q How do I tell if my boyfriend/ girlfriend is just using me for sex?
If your partner wants to be sexually active every time you’re together and is reluctant to do anything else with you then they may be using you for sex. Some people find communicating verbally very difficult and prefer to communicate by showing you affection though their sexual actions, however if you feel that they might be using you, chances are that something is not quite right in your relationship.
Q How are babies made?
When girls and boys reach puberty, their bodies start to change and become more mature. From this time, if a male and a female have sexual intercourse, it is possible that the girl could get pregnant. When a male ejaculates sperm from the penis during sexual intercourse, they swim up the vagina through the cervix, into the uterus and then into the fallopian tubes of the female. These sperm are looking for an egg to fertilise. When a female is born she carries hundreds of eggs ready to use when she becomes an adult. Once a month, the female releases an egg. If an egg has been released, a sperm can fertilise it and make the first cell of a new baby. Once one sperm has fertilised the egg, no other sperm can get in. For the sperm it's like a race and there is only one winner. This fertilised egg immediately divides into two cells; these cells then divide again and again over the next couple of days as the cluster of cells makes its way to the uterus (womb). Here it is implanted in the lining of the uterus and continues dividing its cells to make billions of new cells. The female is now pregnant. Over 9-10 months, these cells will grow into a new person - a baby.
The best way to avoid an unplanned pregnancy is to use contraception.
Q What if you have never kissed or gone out with someone and you’re really self conscious?
Remind yourself that there are many, many people your age that haven’t kissed or gone out with someone before and for most people in your age group this relationship stuff is all new. It’s one of the ‘jobs’ of adolescence to learn how to relate to people in ways that are different from when you were kids. And new things are always a bit scary. If you go out with someone or kiss someone that you are already really comfortable with, you’ll feel less self-conscious and may even be able to talk to them about how you’re feeling.
Q I’m really embarrassed about my vagina. My flaps hang out of the bottom and it looks so ugly!
Labia minora are the internal vaginal lips that sit inside of the labia majora and just like the rest of our body they differ immensely from one woman to another. One of the issues with body image and pornography is that we are only shown one body type and that usually means one vagina type. Many women who perform in porn have had labiaplasty – a cosmetic procedure to reduce the size of their labia minora – just like many female porn performers have had breast augmentations. There is no ‘normal’ when it comes to labia, but if your labia minora protrude to the point where they are painful it may be worth talking to your doctor.
Q I’ve heard about protection orders. What are they?
A domestic violence protection order is a civil order made by a court that imposes conditions to protect a person from future domestic violence. A domestic violence order can either be a protection order or a temporary protection order. A protection order is a final long term order that a person must not commit domestic violence against any person named in the order. The court can also impose other conditions in the order, for example, staying away from the abused person’s home or workplace. If the abuser breaches the conditions of the order, they can be fined or jailed. More information on protection orders can be found here:
Q What is foreplay?
Foreplay is any sexual activity that happens before penetrative sex, for example; kissing, touching, digital penetration and mutual masturbation. It is a way for both males and females to become physiologically and emotionally ready for sex and can certainly increase the pleasure for both of you throughout sex. It is also a way to explore and experiment what does and what doesn’t excite your partner.
It’s really important to communicate with each other during the process so that each of you knows what the other is comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you are uncomfortable and continually check-in with your partner to make sure they are consenting and comfortable throughout the entire process.