Q If I kiss somebody should I use my tongue?
If it’s a first date or a first kiss and you are still getting to know the other person maybe take things slowly and not use tongue on the first kiss. When you are more comfortable, you might start using some tongue but you don’t have to use it all the time. There is no rule book on kissing but paying attention to how the other person responds may help you (e.g. do they pull away and say, “Yuk! Brush your stinking teeth!”)
Q Does sex hurt (the girl)?
It shouldn’t. If a girl’s body isn’t physically ready for sex (she hasn’t produced enough natural lubricant) then sex may be a little painful. This can be avoided - mainly through communication between partners. However, there are certain medical conditions that can make sexual penetration painful and uncomfortable for the female and she will need to see her doctor about this.
Q What is slut shaming?
This is something that happens, pretty much, just to women. Slut Shaming is when women and girls are attacked, put down, gossiped about and laughed at for breaking the ‘supposed rules’ of being a female in this world. A girl or woman might be called nasty words for having consensual sex, she might be called the s-l-u-t word because there are rumours or people think that she is having sex or engaging in sexual activity. She might cop slut shaming for flirting with someone she likes, or for wearing a skirt or worst of all, for having non-consensual sex (that means a girl/ woman who is raped gets called a s-l-u-t/ w-h-o-r-e/ other-horrible-name).
Q Why are women always half naked and men fully clothed in music vids?
It’s pretty silly isn’t it? It’s not just in music vids though – it seems that a lot of popular culture believes that women should be half (or mostly!) naked while the men that they are dancing around are fully clothed. This buys in to the idea that women are sexually available ALL of the time and that men want sex ALL of the time and are entitled to sex all of the time – but not with real women, only with sexually available women who are skinny, tanned, big breasted, big bootied and very flexible. Doesn’t sound much like real life does it?
Q My boyfriend/girlfriend wants to go to second base. What is second base?
It depends on who you ask... the definition of what second base is seems to change from person to person, group to group and website to website. The only sure fire way of working out what second base is, is asking your partner what they mean by second base. Even though your partner wants to go to second base, remember it’s your choice as well.
Q How do I break up with my abuser?
Breaking up with an abusive partner can be very different from breaking up with someone who isn’t abusive. Because abusers believe that they are entitled to control you, they may not let you break up with them. If you’re considering breaking up with an abusive partner it’s important to talk it though with an adult you trust. You may want to fill out a safety plan to help you stay safe. You will need to be prepared for your abuser trying to ‘win you back’. Writing a list of all the reasons why you weren’t happy in the relationship may help you stay strong.
Click here to download a PDF factsheet.
Q But don’t some women ask to get raped by getting really drunk and stuff?
No. Nobody EVER asks to be raped. Being raped means being forced or coerced in to sex with another person. The idea that some women ‘invite’ rape by being drunk, or going to a party alone, or wearing this, that or the other is what is called victim-blaming – and victim blaming is a horrible, horrible part of rape culture. Victim blaming tells the victim that ‘if they got raped, it’s their fault and if they don’t want to face that fact then they should shut up’. Victim blaming leaves the victim feeling responsible for a crime that was committed against them, isolated from support and humiliated. Victim blaming encourages people to stay quiet. And when people stay quiet, nothing changes. It also tells rapists (just so we’re clear, that’s people who have sex with someone without their enthusiastic consent) that their behaviour and the choices that they made are not their fault. Rape is the fault of the rapist. And that is that.
Q What do you do or say to help if your friend is in an unhealthy relationship?
It can be really hard to watch your close friend stay in an unhealthy relationship but the most important thing you can do is to be there for your friend and support them no matter what their decision is (if they stay in the relationship or break up).
Talking and listening to your friend shows that you care and this may also help your friend realise that they may not be in a respectful relationship. It’s important not to blame your friend for the relationship or tell them to leave. Instead ask them if there is anything you can do to help, let them know about the support services in school or in your community that may be helpful. For more information check out our page on Intimate Partner Violence for tips on what to do & say to a friend who may be in an unhealthy relationship.
Q My boyfriend asked me for sex before he asked me out! Is this normal?
With all relationships (friendships included) we need to think about how we would like to be treated, what are our rights, what do we want in a partner/ friend and what values are important to us in a relationship. Being sexual is only one part of a relationship and if they are asking that kind of question before asking you out you need to reflect on what you want from a relationship, what it seems they want and consider whether these match.
Q What is the best way to handle a situation if you don’t give consent and they continue?
If you have been sexually assaulted the most important thing to remember is that it’s not your fault. This is a really frightening situation to be in and can make you feel extremely disempowered. Because all of us are different and every situation is different we may react in different ways. It’s important to remember that if you haven’t given consent and the other person continues they have committed a sexual crime.
Usually when we are confronted by a threat, our survival instinct will kick in and there are several ways we might respond. We could either go into what is called a flight, fight or freeze mode. Whatever your instinctive reaction is it’s important to realise that you have done exactly what you needed to do in that moment to keep yourself safe and the only person at fault is the person that sexually assaulted you. If you have been sexually assaulted there is a number support options available check out our Sexual Assault page for more information.
Q What’s the difference between anal sex and oral sex?
Oral sex is sexual activity between partners in which someone's genitals or anus are being stimulated by someone else's mouth, lips or tongue. Anal sex is any kind of sex that involves a person's anus. That can be oral sex, manual sex, or it can also be anal intercourse, with either a penis or a sex toy.
Q What is foreplay?
Foreplay is any sexual activity that happens before penetrative sex, for example; kissing, touching, digital penetration and mutual masturbation. It is a way for both males and females to become physiologically and emotionally ready for sex and can certainly increase the pleasure for both of you throughout sex. It is also a way to explore and experiment what does and what doesn’t excite your partner.
It’s really important to communicate with each other during the process so that each of you knows what the other is comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you are uncomfortable and continually check-in with your partner to make sure they are consenting and comfortable throughout the entire process.
Q How will I know if I have the right hole?
Obviously this is referencing heterosexual sex. Firstly, it’s ok for you to ask her to help. Have your partner guide you. This means that you also know she is comfortable. Also, our bodies are built so that when a couple is in what is called ‘missionary position’ (that is when the man is on top and the woman is on the bottom facing him) it is very difficult for the penis to penetrate the anus.
Q I really want to go on the pill/ get an Implanon. How do I bring it up with my mum?
I think this is a really good question that shows courage and also a lot of maturity. Although this might be a really difficult conversation to have – not just for you but also for your mum, I’m sure your mum would appreciate being included in the discussion rather than finding an empty pill packet in your room. If you talk about this with your mum you are showing that you have thought about safe sex, possible repercussions and also responsible ways to prevent unplanned pregnancy. It’s important to remember that the pill/implanon only prevents pregnancy and does not protect against STI’s. If your mum is aware that you have been in a relationship for a while she might be anticipating that this conversation would come up at sometime but here are some helpful tips... Find a time when ma isn’t preoccupied so you can sit down (privately) and chat. Think about how you could bring it up. Be prepared to be asked some uncomfortable questions (when did you start having sex?) and try to be honest and calm.
Q What if me and my partner have a fight – does that mean we are broken up?
Disagreements and discussions are part of communicating in a respectful relationship. Having a fight doesn’t need to mean a break-up but it does mean that you have an issue that needs to be resolved. If there are any power and control issues in the fighting, then it is not a healthy and respectful relationship.
Q I’ve heard about protection orders. What are they?
A domestic violence protection order is a civil order made by a court that imposes conditions to protect a person from future domestic violence. A domestic violence order can either be a protection order or a temporary protection order. A protection order is a final long term order that a person must not commit domestic violence against any person named in the order. The court can also impose other conditions in the order, for example, staying away from the abused person’s home or workplace. If the abuser breaches the conditions of the order, they can be fined or jailed. More information on protection orders can be found here:
Q How do I know if somebody likes me?
Because everybody is different, everybody will have different ways of behaving when they like someone. However, some of the more common things include looking at you a lot, finding ways to be near you, possibly showing off a bit when you’re around them. The only definite way to know is for you to ask them.
Q Why does porn make out that all women are sluts?
Pornography shows us a sexually objectified version of women. In porn land all women want (violent and degrading) sex all the time and all men have enormous penises that can stay erect for hours. In real life, sexuality is a very different for everyone. The idea that women are ‘sluts’ if they enjoy sex (and frigid if they don’t!) buys in to the idea of gender stereotypes and helps feed a rape culture where victims are blamed and perpetrators’ behaviour is minimised or denied.